I don't know if it makes sense but I'm just gonna say what I feel.

Times like this no one you love can help you.

That moment when you're crying alone below your house, too afraid to even go home cause you're afraid you'll wake the rest. At that very moment, when you feel like everything has fallen apart, and you feel nothing but despair, it's the very moment you need to pull yourself together. 

When I fell apart, I called my best friends but none of them answered, not cause they didn't care, but cause they weren't awake. Every time the phone went to voice mail my heart begged for someone to help me, to save me from that aching. And when one of my besties called me and asked me to come over to her place, I couldn't bare to, I don't know why, but I just didn't want to be anyone's burden at that point in time.

I just needed to let it out. I kept calling out for help while crying with that hideous voice. But no one came. I told myself "pull yourself together, you're stronger than this" but apart of me just couldn't. I've never felt so helpless, so weak. 2 ladies came and asked if I was alright and I said "yes. I'm fine" but it's been so long since I felt that kind of pain that I didn't know how to respond. But this neighbor from the 6th floor came by, she was wearing a mask while walking towards me and she stopped and squatted in front of me and asked "what happened to you?" after hesitating a bit, I told her. She took off her mask, looked at me, smiled and said "you're beautiful and still so young. You've so much to more to see in this world, it's his lost for not seeing something so good." After talking to her for a while more I found out that she was a Vietnam lady that had just ended work. We walked to the lift and pressed our respective number and I gave her a hug before I left.

I don't know why, but I just felt better. I don't know how else to put it. But I'm grateful.

I know this doesn't make much sense cause you guys probably don't know what happened but to that lady, thank you.

And to anyone else that cared and whom were concerned towards me, thank you.

I never thought I would be crying over the same damn thing after so long but I guess it just happened.

Feelings like that I tend to bottle up as much as I can and keep it as deep as I can. I know it's not healthy, but it works.

I'd choose to do that over inflicting pain on myself or hurting the ones I care for.

To me, what I do is like the same thing someone suffering from anorexia does, it's harmful but it works, that's why we choose what we did. (I'm sorry if that's an awful way to explain myself, but that's how I feel right no, granted it might not be the right thing to say regardless, but at this point in time, I really just want to say what I want)

Regardless, thank you to everyone that cared.